by Denise See
Growing up, I had an unequivocal conception of what happiness was, but I never knew that there was a difference between happiness and joy. Since I was 13, I became acutely aware of this visceral pull towards Christianity - there was something about Christianity that was different from the environment that I grew up in. I come from a non-Christian family and as a result, had always harboured this notion that every Christian I came into contact with came from a Christian background. As a result, I felt that I was not qualified to become a Christian, much less be qualified to be called one, in spite of my growing curiosity to know this anomalous God named Jesus Christ - a God whom I heard loved me so much that He was more than willing to be crucified for my sins, even though I didn't even know Him. I also felt torn - torn between an obligation towards exhibiting loyalty to those religious figures that adorned the altars in Chinese temples; those gods I had been inculcated to revere but felt no connection with except for the fear of retribution, and a increasing desire to know about this Saviour. Finally, at the end of secondary two, I mustered every ounce of courage within me to ask my mum if I could become a Christian, but I was flatly rejected with a livid and obese "NO", together with a shower of angry rhetorical questions. My brother (secondary four then), who shared a room with me (then), was also asked if he wanted to convert. He, who was still a pre-believer then and awaiting his JC posting results, flatly replied "no" with an indifference that exasperated me. Back then, taoism was so preeminent in my family that the mention of christianity was ineffable - and I was too cowardly to bring it up again - at least not until a few months later. Summary: it was a fight of one against three, and I was losing.
Or was I?
Fast-forward to 2011. My brother got into CJC instead of his preferred choice and got introduced to Jesus! He started visiting churches and accepted Jesus before confiding with my mum that he had followed his friends to churches and actually liked it. My mum, who was afraid he would still turn wayward, told him that it was okay as long as he stopped at understanding.
This marked the first milestone of my family's stance towards Christianity: in my mid secondary three days, my brother started going to church openly- and up till now, I still cannot fathom how he didn't have to struggle for his faith, except attribute it to the working of God's hand. :-) Naturally, I was extremely frustrated when I asked for a similar treatment but was still flatly rejected. In retrospect, it was a protective measure, for my mum didn't want me to dwell into a life-changing decision before I really understood what I wanted.
The milestone that marked the beginning of my christian life was on 6 August 2011. My friends convinced me to go for Festival of Praise'11. which was a nationwide christian festival where Singaporean believers of all walks of life gathered under one roof to praise the lord. Still a pre-believer then, I was consumed by the sheer spiritual atmosphere of the indoor stadium - I was honestly extremely afraid and felt like my insides were going to collapse from the uncertainty of my situation - contrasted with the resoluteness of the rest of the audience. I felt small, I felt like I didn't belong, and I felt like I was a nameless child sitting in the middle of a crowd of people - waiting, inwardly screaming for someone to pick me up. However, one song that struck me during worship led by New Life Worship was "Here in Your presence" (the anchor song of my testimony). I remember how in my fear, I marvelled at the wonder of hearing the whole of Singapore declare with conviction that He is "wonderful, beautiful, glorious". Finally, as with all large-scale Christian events, the evangelistic altar call came - the call for me to call Him mine. This marked the zenith of my fear - there was an incontrovertible throbbing in my heart that I couldn't ignore, the throbbing that told me to get off my seat and make my way down, yet I remember asking God how, "how God, how can I commit when my family is still so closed-off, when I may not even be able to go to church until I'm a legal adult?" In the midst of rationalising, in the midst of drowning in an ocean of question marks, my legs took on a life of their own and brought me down to the altar. I was bawling, my heart felt like it was going to burst - but one thing I remember telling God was: "I don't know how this is going to work out but I choose to trust."
Or was I?
Fast-forward to 2011. My brother got into CJC instead of his preferred choice and got introduced to Jesus! He started visiting churches and accepted Jesus before confiding with my mum that he had followed his friends to churches and actually liked it. My mum, who was afraid he would still turn wayward, told him that it was okay as long as he stopped at understanding.
This marked the first milestone of my family's stance towards Christianity: in my mid secondary three days, my brother started going to church openly- and up till now, I still cannot fathom how he didn't have to struggle for his faith, except attribute it to the working of God's hand. :-) Naturally, I was extremely frustrated when I asked for a similar treatment but was still flatly rejected. In retrospect, it was a protective measure, for my mum didn't want me to dwell into a life-changing decision before I really understood what I wanted.
The milestone that marked the beginning of my christian life was on 6 August 2011. My friends convinced me to go for Festival of Praise'11. which was a nationwide christian festival where Singaporean believers of all walks of life gathered under one roof to praise the lord. Still a pre-believer then, I was consumed by the sheer spiritual atmosphere of the indoor stadium - I was honestly extremely afraid and felt like my insides were going to collapse from the uncertainty of my situation - contrasted with the resoluteness of the rest of the audience. I felt small, I felt like I didn't belong, and I felt like I was a nameless child sitting in the middle of a crowd of people - waiting, inwardly screaming for someone to pick me up. However, one song that struck me during worship led by New Life Worship was "Here in Your presence" (the anchor song of my testimony). I remember how in my fear, I marvelled at the wonder of hearing the whole of Singapore declare with conviction that He is "wonderful, beautiful, glorious". Finally, as with all large-scale Christian events, the evangelistic altar call came - the call for me to call Him mine. This marked the zenith of my fear - there was an incontrovertible throbbing in my heart that I couldn't ignore, the throbbing that told me to get off my seat and make my way down, yet I remember asking God how, "how God, how can I commit when my family is still so closed-off, when I may not even be able to go to church until I'm a legal adult?" In the midst of rationalising, in the midst of drowning in an ocean of question marks, my legs took on a life of their own and brought me down to the altar. I was bawling, my heart felt like it was going to burst - but one thing I remember telling God was: "I don't know how this is going to work out but I choose to trust."
Proverbs 3:5: Trust in the lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding,
in all ways acknowledge Him, and He shall make your paths straight.
in all ways acknowledge Him, and He shall make your paths straight.
After FOP, I went to church (on the sly) a couple of times to join my friend in (then) RG cell in Riverlife church, and found that I really liked it there. I still remember that the first visit to church a month plus after FOP was utmost apt for me- the first song during my first-ever worship in a church was "Here in Your presence" by New Life Worship, the same song that had hit me like an avalanche during FOP, and according to my friend Joy, they had never scheduled this song for worship after FOP. That day's sermon was about helping one's unbelief (Mark 9:42) and about keeping the faith knowing that God would (will) come true one day. However, even though I had been praying fervently about being able to go to church, I was always flatly rejected throughout the whole of end- secondary three to start of secondary four. It was a fight of faith in more ways than one. I was discouraged, but I knew that someday, God's promise would come true in the beauty of His time.
One day in mid-2012, I was on "line" with joy and decided that I was tired of this uncertainty in my life - I had to ask again. After fervent prayer, I posed the question again at dinner. This was when the most amazing thing happened. :-) From past experiences, my mum would shoot me down with a flat "No.", but this time, she gave me a tentative answer- one that was an implicit and forced yes- but nonetheless, still a yes. God really came true - more than one year late but He still came true.. :-')
One day in mid-2012, I was on "line" with joy and decided that I was tired of this uncertainty in my life - I had to ask again. After fervent prayer, I posed the question again at dinner. This was when the most amazing thing happened. :-) From past experiences, my mum would shoot me down with a flat "No.", but this time, she gave me a tentative answer- one that was an implicit and forced yes- but nonetheless, still a yes. God really came true - more than one year late but He still came true.. :-')
Now, more than two years since my initial, lonesome fight of faith., my brother and I openly go to church every weekend with our parents' consent. I thank God for the relationship I continue to share with my parents, where my mum occasionally sits on my bed and has heart-to-heart talks with me. We talk about anything under the sun, and they sometimes include the topic of Christianity. The openness and frankness of our opinions on this topic really hearten and give me Hope. My parents also respect that my brother and I cannot consume food offerings, and the sensitivity they have shown towards us is really God-given and amazing- it warms my heart and I hold on to the hope that one day, through their own personal decisions, Joshua 24:15 shall be fulfilled. :-)
To those who are experiencing the same situation I went through: take courage and do not be afraid. As God came through and continues to come through for me, so will He for you.