by Zann Lee
Prior to Kingdom Call (Megalife Camp 2012), I was constantly running away from my own psyche and shoving my problems one on top of the other, stacking them as if they were old clothes at the bottom of an abandoned closet. Eventually, like a building with one of its primary pillars missing, the avalanche of problems left undealt with culminated in an internal breakdown that made my heart collapse into a cavern. I was in a state of absolute mess - a mangled mess of pent-up problems that were left hanging in mid-air without closure, a mess of loose strings without their ends tied; a fleet of lost ships without anchor. My defense mechanism kicked in: I shut everything and everyone out and could not bring myself to stare into the cruel eye of reality that was filled with such blatant ugliness. I was on the verge of falling off the edge of faith and hope - I had imposed upon myself a self-inflicted penalty that I was no longer worthy of everything that Jesus had done for me on the cross. In my darkest hour, everything that I had been doing was only killing Him and driving Him mad because I eschewed from His presence - nothing I did was ever of Him. I had abandoned myself to such worldliness that I could feel the devil on the other side tugging me gently by the hand, while my grip on Jesus' was languid and loosening. How could someone in this state look forward to camp? Anyhow, something convicted my heart of this mindset for camp, that "I am going to give God another chance, before I make any hasty decision on my own". Indeed, God revealed to me His faithfulness and sealed this conviction completely.
Going to camp with an expectation of breakthrough in my life was the main priority, but Jesus munificently lavished upon me so much more than that. I found freedom in my own skin, rediscovered the freedom to worship as well as the freedom in giving up my all for His sake - just because He deserves all the glory after dying on the cross for me, even when He had a right not to. The Holy Spirit embodied itself in me so tangibly and I was so overwhelmed that I couldn't stop reacting in response. The Holy Spirit monopolised control over my being that I went for the altar call (for the service of the last night of camp) in a state of utter disbelief. While I was being prayed for and ministered to, my legs buckled and I fell in the Holy Spirit. However, the crux was the aftermath: that mellifluous, overflowing amount of release that was so tranquil and amicable that I didn't desire to get up at all. While I was on the ground, bawling to expel all the suppressed emotions that had hitherto made my heart their home, I felt the weight being lifted off my chest - it was as if Jesus had lifted my avalanche of burdens on His shoulders and casted them into the fire. It felt like the thick chains that had wrapped themselves around my ankles were being broken and I was liberated in the presence of Jesus. Then came something that I had never thought would come.
It was a rather queer scene because it was an immediate vacillation from uncontrollable sobbing to holy laughter. I had a vision of Jesus and I whimsically playing and chasing each other around a vast grass patch, where we laughed so heartily from creating jokes together. After all that physical activity, we laid and rested on the same humongous grass patch with our fingers intertwined - His in mine and mine in His. My heart was overflowing with an unfathomable kind of phlegmatic peace and serene tranquility that spread like balm over all of my wounds. After that onset of His restorative peace, I thought that He was done with me and that it was time to get up; but I only knew He was ostensibly not when I fell back down again and didn't want to get up anymore. At that moment in time, I just wanted to lay there in the comfort of my God, with the heart knowledge that there is really nothing more to worry about when He walks alongside me even in my bleakest moments. It was truly then that I had finally internalised what resting in His presence meant, and this was sealed with the conviction that nothing in this world can weigh me down or hinder me from pursuing the love of Christ Jesus.
Going to camp with an expectation of breakthrough in my life was the main priority, but Jesus munificently lavished upon me so much more than that. I found freedom in my own skin, rediscovered the freedom to worship as well as the freedom in giving up my all for His sake - just because He deserves all the glory after dying on the cross for me, even when He had a right not to. The Holy Spirit embodied itself in me so tangibly and I was so overwhelmed that I couldn't stop reacting in response. The Holy Spirit monopolised control over my being that I went for the altar call (for the service of the last night of camp) in a state of utter disbelief. While I was being prayed for and ministered to, my legs buckled and I fell in the Holy Spirit. However, the crux was the aftermath: that mellifluous, overflowing amount of release that was so tranquil and amicable that I didn't desire to get up at all. While I was on the ground, bawling to expel all the suppressed emotions that had hitherto made my heart their home, I felt the weight being lifted off my chest - it was as if Jesus had lifted my avalanche of burdens on His shoulders and casted them into the fire. It felt like the thick chains that had wrapped themselves around my ankles were being broken and I was liberated in the presence of Jesus. Then came something that I had never thought would come.
It was a rather queer scene because it was an immediate vacillation from uncontrollable sobbing to holy laughter. I had a vision of Jesus and I whimsically playing and chasing each other around a vast grass patch, where we laughed so heartily from creating jokes together. After all that physical activity, we laid and rested on the same humongous grass patch with our fingers intertwined - His in mine and mine in His. My heart was overflowing with an unfathomable kind of phlegmatic peace and serene tranquility that spread like balm over all of my wounds. After that onset of His restorative peace, I thought that He was done with me and that it was time to get up; but I only knew He was ostensibly not when I fell back down again and didn't want to get up anymore. At that moment in time, I just wanted to lay there in the comfort of my God, with the heart knowledge that there is really nothing more to worry about when He walks alongside me even in my bleakest moments. It was truly then that I had finally internalised what resting in His presence meant, and this was sealed with the conviction that nothing in this world can weigh me down or hinder me from pursuing the love of Christ Jesus.
"Your Presence is Heaven" was one of the songs we sung during camp and it really spoke to me. Hence, when I returned to Singapore, I took the boldest step of faith to clear the most formidable mess that had been plaguing my life. I wouldn't say that it was completely eradicated, but I would say that it was a load off my shoulder.
"Treasure of my heart and of my soul, in my weakness You are merciful.
Redeemer of my past and present wrongs, holder of my future days to come"
Redeemer of my past and present wrongs, holder of my future days to come"
Truly, God be praised and all glory to Him for the courage He has placed in my life. Without Him, I wouldn't be where I am standing today: my past blotted out by His blood, my present and future secured with Him at the centre.